Back On Track

I guess an apologies is in order: I'm so sorry I have been MIA from the blog world for the past few weeks.  I needed a break.  I needed to get some things in order, along with where I wanted things to go personally and well, here on the blog.  I had some ups and downs since the time I have been on here, it's been a difficult and trying time.  Nothing life threatening of course, just needed to square away what I wanted and needed out of life.  But, I'm back and ready to keep up with all of you and keep you all up to date with what's going on in my small little world.

I wasn't sure if I would share this with all of you, but I do believe this blog is a place of honesty and where I can share with all of you as a great support system.  See, there has been a ton of talk in the past month or so of where everyone will be and will be doing next year with their running and race schedules.  As you know, I decided to sit out Boston this year.  That was a really hard decision to make, seeing how I wanted a bit of redemption after last year's fiasco.  It is the race that everyone hopes for, so all of you going, soak it up - it is everything you want it to be an more.  But not only talk of Boston got me down, it was everyone trying to sketch out what their 2011 race schedules would be.  I saw peeps signing up left and right for the races I wanted to run, and as we all know, I LOVE to race.  I do really well when I have a training schedule and a race to work towards.  And without any planned, I was feeling a bit bummed and disconnected from all of you.  My plans though have a bigger plan for the 2011 year.  See, my hubbs and I have decided to start a family.  That was what I wasn't sure I wanted to put out in blog land.  I was almost afraid it would jinx us.

We have been attempting to get pregnant for over six months now, and honestly, I thought I would be by now.  It is a very trying time in couples lives when you are trying to start a family.  Who knew?  The plan from the beginning was I would be pregnant by the fall and hopefully be able to salvage the year with a great race schedule.  But as I sit here now, no baby on board, and each month it doesn't happen, I see the year fading away from racing.  I know what we are doing is so much bigger than a goal race or a PR, but running and racing is such a huge part of me that it is hard not to want to plan.  And that is the problem, you can't plan.  You can try, you can do all the "right" things, but sometimes things take longer than you want.  And even now, I had big plans of the New York Marathon being my fall, big marathon of the year, and I am sad to say, I don't think that is in the cards. *sigh*

A part of me thinks I should just sign up for some fun races and see where life takes me.  I feel like I shouldn't put my life on hold for something so unpredictable.  But races fees are expensive, and I wouldn't necessarily want to put my health or a baby's health in jeopardy just because I signed up for a race and didn't want to loose out on the fees I paid.  It's quite the predicament.  I'm torn, and I still don't know what the right plan is.  I really thought that I would be satisfied with all the goals I made and hit this year and that mentally I would be okay with sitting out - but I had also planned on being pregnant and that would make sitting out a whole lot easier.  I had no clue what to expect, so now I'm in limbo and feel a bit lost.  Some people have told me to just go for it, don't plan things you can't, while others have said that maybe it was all my miles and hard running that is slowing down the "process."  I don't know what the right answer is right now, but for the time being, I'm just going with the flow as best as I can.

I'm still running a ton, and when I look back on what I accomplished this year, I'm actually quite proud.  All of my runs lately have been at a pace that I never knew would become so comfortable.  I have been doing all my runs in the 8:00/mi range and I can finally say, that is my natural pace.  I worked really hard all year to get here, and as much as I want to start my family, I also don't want to loose all the gains I made this year.  I'm loving running right now, the NorCal weather has been just perfect for every run (minus the damn wind!).  It's hard not to have a training calendar, and running aimlessly for mileage or what have you.  I have kept my base right around 40 miles a week, and I don't necessarily feel like it would have that great of impact on my health.  But who knows?  For now, it's keeping me sane in this trying time.

Christmas was wonderful, although not void of some MIL drama.  That was the other piece of my life that really sent me down a spiral.  Attempting to deal with behavior that isn't going to change, especially around the holidays is very trying, but we did our best and thankfully we had a very blessed Christmas.  I couldn't ask for more.  I also realized in the last month or so, that as much as I love being my own boss and working from home, it's just not for me.  I felt a bit aimless and clueless with how to make it work.  Not having a set schedule or where to be at certain times can be really hard.  So, I decided that I needed to find a job.  I am a people person, and in accounting and taxation, it is actually quite helpful to have other people and their own thoughts around when working.  And thankfully, I landed the first one I applied for today!  I'm super excited about it, it's an environment where I can grow and thrive and give me the structure that I'm craving right now.  I even discussed with my future boss that I do have plans of starting a family in the near future, and they couldn't have been more supportive.  I'm finally feeling like I made a really good choice for myself.  A grown-up, healthy decision that will hopefully reap dividends that I can only imagine.  I don't start until 1/24, so I still have some time to play and enjoy not having a schedule for a bit longer.

Right now, I am signed up for a trail half in the middle of January and the Surf City half in February.  I had to bite the bullet and take the plunge.  I didn't want to sit out on these, cuz some of my favorite peeps are running both.  And I even managed a nice run on Sunday with Punky where we ran for the Operation Jack Virtual run - good times ;)

11 Chilly miles done!



I'm not sure what the near future holds for me, or what my 2011 will look like.  I'm not good with the unknown - I'm a planner and love having things all lined up.  But I'm realizing that not all things in life can be planned, and it's definitely a lesson in patience.  I've spent my whole life making lists and plans, and relishing each time I can cross one off my list.  Right now, no lists, no plans is a difficult place to be in - so if I get a bit frantic or crazy, just know, it will hopefully be temporary and 2011 will hold great and wonderful things for me and my hubbs.

Whew, I feel a lot better that I finally shared this will all of you.  Some may think it's an "over-share" or that I'm just being whiny and feeling sorry for myself.  And to those, you don't know what's it's like until you walk in my shoes.  No one prepares you for what it's like when you start down this road of starting a family.  Trust me, even from some of my closest and dearest friends and family, I'm  constantly still getting, "it will happen when it's supposed to."  That's all well and good, and I know there right, but damn it stings a little.  And to all of you who continue to be supportive and excited, thanks - it means a ton.  I promise to be back to my normal, happy, cheery bloggy self because I find so much inspiration and support from all of you.  And I will live vicariously through all of you as you embark on 2011 and some really awesome races and goals.

Tomorrow I will do my look back post and see how the year wrapped up.  I do know, 2010 was one of my best running years yet.  All of my accomplishments and goals were pretty great in my eyes, and I'm going to use it as a reminder that I've got a lot going for me when I do get to get back in to my crazy racing schedule.

Thanks to all of you again, I'm off to catch up with all of you!
Have a wonderful New Year's Eve Eve!
Happy running peeps!