Thursday, December 30, 2010

Back On Track

I guess an apologies is in order: I'm so sorry I have been MIA from the blog world for the past few weeks.  I needed a break.  I needed to get some things in order, along with where I wanted things to go personally and well, here on the blog.  I had some ups and downs since the time I have been on here, it's been a difficult and trying time.  Nothing life threatening of course, just needed to square away what I wanted and needed out of life.  But, I'm back and ready to keep up with all of you and keep you all up to date with what's going on in my small little world.

I wasn't sure if I would share this with all of you, but I do believe this blog is a place of honesty and where I can share with all of you as a great support system.  See, there has been a ton of talk in the past month or so of where everyone will be and will be doing next year with their running and race schedules.  As you know, I decided to sit out Boston this year.  That was a really hard decision to make, seeing how I wanted a bit of redemption after last year's fiasco.  It is the race that everyone hopes for, so all of you going, soak it up - it is everything you want it to be an more.  But not only talk of Boston got me down, it was everyone trying to sketch out what their 2011 race schedules would be.  I saw peeps signing up left and right for the races I wanted to run, and as we all know, I LOVE to race.  I do really well when I have a training schedule and a race to work towards.  And without any planned, I was feeling a bit bummed and disconnected from all of you.  My plans though have a bigger plan for the 2011 year.  See, my hubbs and I have decided to start a family.  That was what I wasn't sure I wanted to put out in blog land.  I was almost afraid it would jinx us.

We have been attempting to get pregnant for over six months now, and honestly, I thought I would be by now.  It is a very trying time in couples lives when you are trying to start a family.  Who knew?  The plan from the beginning was I would be pregnant by the fall and hopefully be able to salvage the year with a great race schedule.  But as I sit here now, no baby on board, and each month it doesn't happen, I see the year fading away from racing.  I know what we are doing is so much bigger than a goal race or a PR, but running and racing is such a huge part of me that it is hard not to want to plan.  And that is the problem, you can't plan.  You can try, you can do all the "right" things, but sometimes things take longer than you want.  And even now, I had big plans of the New York Marathon being my fall, big marathon of the year, and I am sad to say, I don't think that is in the cards. *sigh*

A part of me thinks I should just sign up for some fun races and see where life takes me.  I feel like I shouldn't put my life on hold for something so unpredictable.  But races fees are expensive, and I wouldn't necessarily want to put my health or a baby's health in jeopardy just because I signed up for a race and didn't want to loose out on the fees I paid.  It's quite the predicament.  I'm torn, and I still don't know what the right plan is.  I really thought that I would be satisfied with all the goals I made and hit this year and that mentally I would be okay with sitting out - but I had also planned on being pregnant and that would make sitting out a whole lot easier.  I had no clue what to expect, so now I'm in limbo and feel a bit lost.  Some people have told me to just go for it, don't plan things you can't, while others have said that maybe it was all my miles and hard running that is slowing down the "process."  I don't know what the right answer is right now, but for the time being, I'm just going with the flow as best as I can.

I'm still running a ton, and when I look back on what I accomplished this year, I'm actually quite proud.  All of my runs lately have been at a pace that I never knew would become so comfortable.  I have been doing all my runs in the 8:00/mi range and I can finally say, that is my natural pace.  I worked really hard all year to get here, and as much as I want to start my family, I also don't want to loose all the gains I made this year.  I'm loving running right now, the NorCal weather has been just perfect for every run (minus the damn wind!).  It's hard not to have a training calendar, and running aimlessly for mileage or what have you.  I have kept my base right around 40 miles a week, and I don't necessarily feel like it would have that great of impact on my health.  But who knows?  For now, it's keeping me sane in this trying time.

Christmas was wonderful, although not void of some MIL drama.  That was the other piece of my life that really sent me down a spiral.  Attempting to deal with behavior that isn't going to change, especially around the holidays is very trying, but we did our best and thankfully we had a very blessed Christmas.  I couldn't ask for more.  I also realized in the last month or so, that as much as I love being my own boss and working from home, it's just not for me.  I felt a bit aimless and clueless with how to make it work.  Not having a set schedule or where to be at certain times can be really hard.  So, I decided that I needed to find a job.  I am a people person, and in accounting and taxation, it is actually quite helpful to have other people and their own thoughts around when working.  And thankfully, I landed the first one I applied for today!  I'm super excited about it, it's an environment where I can grow and thrive and give me the structure that I'm craving right now.  I even discussed with my future boss that I do have plans of starting a family in the near future, and they couldn't have been more supportive.  I'm finally feeling like I made a really good choice for myself.  A grown-up, healthy decision that will hopefully reap dividends that I can only imagine.  I don't start until 1/24, so I still have some time to play and enjoy not having a schedule for a bit longer.

Right now, I am signed up for a trail half in the middle of January and the Surf City half in February.  I had to bite the bullet and take the plunge.  I didn't want to sit out on these, cuz some of my favorite peeps are running both.  And I even managed a nice run on Sunday with Punky where we ran for the Operation Jack Virtual run - good times ;)
11 Chilly miles done!

I'm not sure what the near future holds for me, or what my 2011 will look like.  I'm not good with the unknown - I'm a planner and love having things all lined up.  But I'm realizing that not all things in life can be planned, and it's definitely a lesson in patience.  I've spent my whole life making lists and plans, and relishing each time I can cross one off my list.  Right now, no lists, no plans is a difficult place to be in - so if I get a bit frantic or crazy, just know, it will hopefully be temporary and 2011 will hold great and wonderful things for me and my hubbs.

Whew, I feel a lot better that I finally shared this will all of you.  Some may think it's an "over-share" or that I'm just being whiny and feeling sorry for myself.  And to those, you don't know what's it's like until you walk in my shoes.  No one prepares you for what it's like when you start down this road of starting a family.  Trust me, even from some of my closest and dearest friends and family, I'm  constantly still getting, "it will happen when it's supposed to."  That's all well and good, and I know there right, but damn it stings a little.  And to all of you who continue to be supportive and excited, thanks - it means a ton.  I promise to be back to my normal, happy, cheery bloggy self because I find so much inspiration and support from all of you.  And I will live vicariously through all of you as you embark on 2011 and some really awesome races and goals.

Tomorrow I will do my look back post and see how the year wrapped up.  I do know, 2010 was one of my best running years yet.  All of my accomplishments and goals were pretty great in my eyes, and I'm going to use it as a reminder that I've got a lot going for me when I do get to get back in to my crazy racing schedule.

Thanks to all of you again, I'm off to catch up with all of you!
Have a wonderful New Year's Eve Eve!
Happy running peeps!


Bethany + Ryan said...

I knew it! :-) hehe. yay! so happy for you guys, what a wonderful and exciting decision! I'm sure 2011 will be a very exciting year for you two and we wish you nothing but the best! Happy new year!!!

Jess @ Blonde Ponytail said...

Thinking and praying for you and your husband! Racing and planning for a family are tough to coordinate.

Wishing you the best on your trail and half runs!!

Indi said...

Congrats on making the leap to start a family. I'm sure this upcoming year will be great one for you and the hubby. As they say its all in the timing!
As far as racing, I would say just concentrate on ones that you can have fun and enjoy it with friends..i'm sure things will fall into place in 2011!!

J said...

Such exciting news! I am sure when everything is supposed to come together it will. Its hard to plan, but I hope you can continue to run even after you get pregnant! Good luck and Happy New year!

sisterbison said...

The time b/t when a couple decides to get pregnant and when they actually do is typically very stressful- I wish it weren't that way but it is- so you are not alone! My advice would be keep on signing up for races! Don't kill yourself running but enjoy a comfortable pace and if you drop a few hundred bucks on races you don't do because you got pregnant, I'm SURE you will be so happy about the baby that you won't care about the $ you lost. If you're planning on having a kid, I'm sure you have more than a few hundred spare bucks laying around- those little germ-balls are EXPENSIVE! :) Best of luck.

Check out my blog at:

Meredith said...

Oh I am SO excited for you guys! My husband would have been happy if we had been pregnant by the time we got home from our honeymoon, but I was only 24, and had just finished my first year of teaching. 4 years later, when I was finally ready it was the most exciting thing!

From my friends who have struggled with TTC, they have all mentioned NOT waiting too long to set up an appointment with a specialist. Yes, it can take some time, but if there IS an issue, better to get it taken care of SOONER, right?

And on the racing front -- would 10K races or something like that be enough excitement for you, or do you really need the challenge of the longer distances? 10K seems like a good middle ground while you are in the waiting.

Good luck!


Jess said...

For some, starting a family can take time, so yes, patience is key. But it certainly is tough to wait.

As for your current mileage, I wouldn't worry about it affecting your fertility (on some forums I was reading when I was preggo with Norah, one woman had gotten pregnant while running 80 miles a week!); however, every woman is different, so if you haven't already spoken with your OB/GYN about your concerns, do so. He or she may have some suggections and may be able to comemnt on whether or not your high mileage is affecting your chances at conception.

As far as racing, I understand the dilemma. But, many races offer deferment or bib-buying options. So, maybe look into races with forgiving deferment options, or races that are shorter or middle distances. And in the end, if you do register, pay for, and train for a race that you never run, what are you out? A $100 and your time? (And that's saying you wouldn't be able to run it -- many women can still run, and run well and far, while preggo.) Trust me, in the scheme of kids, a $100 is nuthin ;)

Good luck with everything!

ajh said...

Good luck with the new job and esp. with your baby plans. It's got to be hard to be wanting and have it not happening yet. Best of luck!

MCM Mama said...

{{{HUGS}}} Making the decision to have kids is such a wonderful decision, not having it happen when you want it to sucks. It took us 13 months with Jones and 18 with Shoo, so I know how you are feeling right now. If you want to talk about it, you know where to find me. ;o)

I don't remember how old you are, but a check in with your OB/GYN wouldn't hurt. Do sign up for races that are relatively soon or offer deferment options. Do keep doing the fun stuff in your life.

Good luck with the new job!

Holly said...

so i'm new to commenting on your blog, but couldn't resist because i've spent 2010 in your exact same situation (well almost). we've been trying to have kids for 8+ years and i sat out the entire 2010 race season (running and tris- including forfeiting an IM entry) as a last ditch effort for kids. it doesn't make you selfish to miss the racing- it's part of you and it's hard to give up part of your identity for anything/anyone. yes, it's worth it in the end (or so i've heard- we weren't successful), but it's still hard and worthy of grieving. i will say the experience brought my husband and i closer together (ultimately- it was definitely trying and bumpy along the way) and he has a better understanding and appreciation of the huge impact racing has on my life.
praying for peace and comfort during this time--and success!


Kate said...

Congratulations on scoring the first job you applied for! Way to go.

Thinking of you and your husband as you try for this baby. :) Positive thoughts coming your way...

Just go with the flow. I know it can be hard but you can do it.

Have a very happy new year!

misszippy said...

Wow--big, big stuff for you! It is hard when something is so out of your control--pregnancy--but as someone who went through plenty of trials in that regard, I can say the right thing will happen at the right time. Best of luck to you in 2011!

Detroit Runner said...

Congrats on wanting to start a family. My wife also started to get concerned after six months. We decided, if it was meant to be, it would just happen, and what do you know, a couple months later, Bingo! Good luck!

Char said...

It can be such a hard time - where you're at at the moment. Once you've decided to get pregnant you assume it will happen immediately. I hope the wait isn't too much longer for you.

PunkRockRunner said...

You mean to tell me I read this novelette & there's no shirt giveaway? Kinda bummed. I must say that punk rock fellow is cute & the photo made the (non-prize) blog read worth it.

Best of luck with the baby making & I must say YOU are one of the best things to happen to me in 2010.

Happy New Year to you & yours,


Tortuga_Runner said...

Congrats on the job and all the unprotected sex! Sure 6 months is tough, but at least you get to have fun trying. I'm with some of the bloggers, OBGYN visit wouldn't hurt even if it is just for piece of mind. 10K are a nice thought, they usually don't sell out so you can race day sign up and not worry about losing cash. Cal 10 in Stockton 10k or 10 mile options. Have a fantastic new year and hope your hubby slips one past the goalie soon.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for being open with us and sharing this.....It's SO SO hard to not have control over our bodies, the timing of getting preggers, and everything that aligns with that!!! Be kind to yourself, and I hope that 2011 is great for you and your family.

L.B. said...

It took us a long time to get pregnant with both our girls. We're lucky we have two girls because literally the last month we were going to try to get pregnant with No. 2, we were successful. It's tough.

In terms of racing, I know you'll do well no matter what you do.

Denise said...

i'm glad you got it all out and feel better. you'll always have racing, even if you take some time off. maybe register for a few that would still be doable when you do get preggers. and as for the running playing a part in the, really? elite athletes get pregnant and they run waaaay harder and further than us! hang in there and keep your head up. life happens the way it should.

Laura said...

I wish I could just give you a big hug! Hope you are feeling better now that you've shared - you know we will support you whether you are starting a family, racing, or both.

I don't really have any advice to offer on the baby front or in terms of local races, but I think it would be great if you signed up for some of the races you wanted, provided they're early in the year, and then planned AHEAD to take them easy if need be. You could get one of those "baby on board" shirts to wear during the race too, and make it your first race with baby? That way if it does end up happening, it won't interfere with your race, but will make it special and different.

d.a.r. said...

I've missed you and I am sorry to read that that's why you've been away....I have no advice. This is my biggest fear, too.

Maybe go ahead and sign up for a race. Maybe it will be one of those things where you will get pregnant and can't run solely because you doled out the cash to run a race. Silly, but I hope I at least made you smile :)

Aron said...

Hang in there girl, things will come together! I know us type A's want things now and to be able to plan everything, but I guess life just doesn't work that way sometimes... but that's what makes it fun and exciting! Keep having fun and enjoying life and running and when the time is right a baby will happen.

N.D. said...

I am thinking good thoughts for you Katie. It can be a very frustrating time and very hard to plan not knowing what is going to happen!

Anonymous said...

I wish I had some words to make your feel better but I want you to know I am thinking of you and sending good thoughts. <3 and hugs!

LAPT said...

I'm JUST seeing this now... I'm so behind. I understand how hard it is to feel aimless (both in running without a race planned and with working from home without structure). I am so happy for you about the decision to start a family, and I am wishing you only the best of luck.

Congrats on the new job, and hopefully the new year will bring some wonderful things your way!

Kristen said...

I can only imagine how stressful that is. It is so funny because for so many years we make it a priority NOT to happen and you are taught it will happen all the time if you aren't careful. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you.

As far as racing goes I would take it one month at a time. Of course that means higher race fees but then you can still race and not worry about planning to far in advance and losing money. I know it drives me crazy not having a "plan" and watch everyone plan on without me while I am still in limbo so I can totally relate to where you are coming from.

Congrats on the job!! That is so great they are so supportive. They are lucky to have you.

Sarah said...

OK I'm a blog slacker and am only just now seeing this, but I want to let you know I love you and I hope you get good news soon!