Friday, October 30, 2009

Puddle of Tears

Really, I am not one to sit on the pity pot.  I run because I love it.  I run because I love how it makes me feel.  I run because it affords me to eat and drink pretty much what I like.  But yesterday, I sat on my pity pot. 

I waited for Ari to get home from work so he could hit the road with me.  I could tell I needed a bit of motivation and pep while I ran.  This should have been the first sign that I probably should have just taken a rest day.  But, by God, I have miles to get done!  So I told myself to suck it up and run.  We put Lilly in here bike carrier and headed out.  Right away I was  I was again, trying to find my pace and my form but it wasn't falling into place.  I was struggling to breathe and relax and all the while I was starting to panic!  Then the internal dialogue really started up.  "Why are you worried? Just run! Don't woss out!"  But I couldn't turn that off and I couldn't find my groove. 

By mile two, at 15:30, I.was.done.  I just started to cry!  Actually, hyperventilate is more like it.  I just started sobbing!  I couldn't move anymore!  I didn't want to run!  And that was making me mad at myself!  Why wouldn't I want to run? I LOVE TO RUN!  But I didn't want to be out there!  And it was just beautiful out!  Not much wind, perfect temps.  I just kept sobbing and Ari kept asking me, "what's wrong, Babe?"  And through my tears and sobs I told him I didn't know.  All I knew was that I didn't want to run.  That I was feeling like a failure.  And even the thought of having to run the two miles back home was daunting.  So I sobbed on Santa Teresa Blvd., a six lane road, with cars wizzing by on their evening commute. 

After about five mins of tears and catching my breath, I decided to try to run home.  By this time though, Lilly was done.  So Ari went ahead of me and got home to let Lills out.  I "jogged" home.  I sat on my pity pot, whipping my tears away as I ran.  Thank God I had sunglasses on, or everyone in my neighborhood would have seen what a mess I was.  Ari was great.  He could tell I wasn't wanting to run and that I just couldn't either.  He didn't push.  He just said let's head home and take Lilly to dogpark and enjoy the weather.  By the time I got home, Ari had everything put away and the car already to go.  I had pretty much stopped crying by this time, but I still felt like crap.

I just don't know what happened.  All week I haven't been feeling it.  Which is so strange considering how well I did last weekend.  I have a race tomorrow, too.  I am meeting up with Aron and Amy and I am really excited.  But now I am nervous.  I haven't been nervous for a race in a long time.  I am afraid that what happened yesterday could be a repeat for tomorrow.

We are all packed.  We are staying the night in Santa Rosa.  I had to pack out bags last night and this morning so that we could leave right after work.  If you hadn't heard, the Bay Bridge here in the Bay Area has been closed for three days and it is putting a damper on traffic.  So what would normally take about 2 hours to get to, will probably take an additional 1.5 hours.  That's okay, I will let Ari drive and I will set back and relax.  We are gonna try to scope out an Indian food restaurant up there and hit the sack early.  We have to be at the busses by 5:30, so another early Saturday.

I have a feeling that everything will fall into place tomorrow.  I just need to let go of some of the pressure I have put on myself.  I have done the work; I know it's in me.  I have a great base of miles and for the most part things have really been falling into place.  Ari did point out one thing yesterday.  I have been really successful in my runs because I have been doing them in the morning.  I have usually always been an afternoon runner.  But lately I have been doing better in the morning.  He pointed out that by the time I hit the road yesterday, I had already been going 12 hours.  I was asking a lot of my body and my head at that hour.  I think I need to suck it up and start running before work - something I have never done before.  Next week will be a trial run.  Maybe not the smartest week to try it with Fresno that following Sunday, but I also know that I can't have another craptastic week of running like I did this week.

Thanks for listening to me as I sit on my pity pot and over think all that I am doing.  I need to let go and let myself do what it knows how to already do.   Big shout-out to all the peeps racing this weekend!  Including Tara, who is doing the NY Marathon!  And Amanda, the RedHead and B.o.B.  who all have a half's for Halloween! Sooo cool!  I will hopefully have my race recap from Saturday up sometime on Sunday.  I am doing nothing on Sunday!  I am hitting up Mass and then heading home for a NAP!  Have an awesome weekend peeps!
Happy Running!


Sarah said...

(HUGS) Sorry you had such a crappy running day yesterday, but after reading your post I honestly think you're just pushing yourself too hard. With work, and life and running and everything else all balled together, the added pressure you are putting on yourself with BQ coming up, is a lot to handle. Relax and take a deep breath. Don't force it.

You can do this! If you need a day off, TAKE ONE and don't beat yourself up over it. You will find your groove!! Try to just have fun tomorrow and then have a few glasses of wine. You deserve it!!

Jen Feeny said...

Girl take a DEEP BREATH and just relax. You will be fine!!!!!!!!!!

Have fun, enjoy yourself, go into it with a positive mental attitude and the rest will take care of itself.

I posted this to another blog earlier and I think it's appropriate to share with you as well:

THE VICTOR by C.W. Longenecker

If you think you are beaten, you are.
If you think you dare not, you don’t
If you like to win but think you can’t,
It’s almost a cinch you won’t.

If you think you’ll lose, you’re lost.
For out in the world we find
Success begins with a fellow’s will.
It’s all in the state of mind.

If you think you are outclassed, you are.
You’ve got to think high to rise.
You’ve got to be sure of yourself before
You can ever win the prize.

Life’s battles don’t always go
To the stronger or faster man.
But sooner or later, the man who wins
Is the man who thinks he can.

RunToTheFinish said...

Is it possible you are a bit overtraining so maybe that is doing it? Says the girl who totally is not over trained and knows exactly how that run feels because I had one myself this week.

The good news is we all know that you'll be fine because you really do love it and maybe this race will be the perfect thing to pep you back up

Shellyrm ~ just a country runner said...

Things will fall right into place come race time. You sound like you are talking from a place I have been. A town somewhere between overtrainedburg and overthinkingville. Been there.

Deep breath. It's just one foot in front of the other.

Aron said...

ohhh girlie we ALL have those runs and we need to have them to remind us how good the good ones are. you have been training hard and really pushing yourself and racing a TON! way more than anyone i know :) you are awesome... now just take a deep breath and relax and have fun. if tomorrow isnt the best day ever then who cares, it will be beautiful out there, there is wine at the end and we will have a great time!! you have lots of big things coming up and just remember to stay focused and not let one bad run get you down. its the bad ones that really build our character and strength as runners :)

cant wait to see you tomorrow!!!

Jill said...

We all have those runs and those weeks...hang in there, big hugs your way!!!!

Anonymous said...

I've been feeling the same way lately; from reading Aron's report, it sounds like you had a better day. Keep at it; who knows what causes these weeks, but they do go away!!! Happy Monday

B.o.B. said...

Girl we all have those pity pot days. Sometimes I just throw a pity party and go to town! I hope you are feeling better. Thanks for the shout!!!

N.D. said...

aww I hope everything comes together for you! we all have days like that!