Puddle of Tears

Really, I am not one to sit on the pity pot.  I run because I love it.  I run because I love how it makes me feel.  I run because it affords me to eat and drink pretty much what I like.  But yesterday, I sat on my pity pot. 

I waited for Ari to get home from work so he could hit the road with me.  I could tell I needed a bit of motivation and pep while I ran.  This should have been the first sign that I probably should have just taken a rest day.  But, by God, I have miles to get done!  So I told myself to suck it up and run.  We put Lilly in here bike carrier and headed out.  Right away I was just.not.feeling.it.  I was again, trying to find my pace and my form but it wasn't falling into place.  I was struggling to breathe and relax and all the while I was starting to panic!  Then the internal dialogue really started up.  "Why are you worried? Just run! Don't woss out!"  But I couldn't turn that off and I couldn't find my groove. 

By mile two, at 15:30, I.was.done.  I just started to cry!  Actually, hyperventilate is more like it.  I just started sobbing!  I couldn't move anymore!  I didn't want to run!  And that was making me mad at myself!  Why wouldn't I want to run? I LOVE TO RUN!  But I didn't want to be out there!  And it was just beautiful out!  Not much wind, perfect temps.  I just kept sobbing and Ari kept asking me, "what's wrong, Babe?"  And through my tears and sobs I told him I didn't know.  All I knew was that I didn't want to run.  That I was feeling like a failure.  And even the thought of having to run the two miles back home was daunting.  So I sobbed on Santa Teresa Blvd., a six lane road, with cars wizzing by on their evening commute. 

After about five mins of tears and catching my breath, I decided to try to run home.  By this time though, Lilly was done.  So Ari went ahead of me and got home to let Lills out.  I "jogged" home.  I sat on my pity pot, whipping my tears away as I ran.  Thank God I had sunglasses on, or everyone in my neighborhood would have seen what a mess I was.  Ari was great.  He could tell I wasn't wanting to run and that I just couldn't either.  He didn't push.  He just said let's head home and take Lilly to dogpark and enjoy the weather.  By the time I got home, Ari had everything put away and the car already to go.  I had pretty much stopped crying by this time, but I still felt like crap.

I just don't know what happened.  All week I haven't been feeling it.  Which is so strange considering how well I did last weekend.  I have a race tomorrow, too.  I am meeting up with Aron and Amy and I am really excited.  But now I am nervous.  I haven't been nervous for a race in a long time.  I am afraid that what happened yesterday could be a repeat for tomorrow.

We are all packed.  We are staying the night in Santa Rosa.  I had to pack out bags last night and this morning so that we could leave right after work.  If you hadn't heard, the Bay Bridge here in the Bay Area has been closed for three days and it is putting a damper on traffic.  So what would normally take about 2 hours to get to, will probably take an additional 1.5 hours.  That's okay, I will let Ari drive and I will set back and relax.  We are gonna try to scope out an Indian food restaurant up there and hit the sack early.  We have to be at the busses by 5:30, so another early Saturday.

I have a feeling that everything will fall into place tomorrow.  I just need to let go of some of the pressure I have put on myself.  I have done the work; I know it's in me.  I have a great base of miles and for the most part things have really been falling into place.  Ari did point out one thing yesterday.  I have been really successful in my runs because I have been doing them in the morning.  I have usually always been an afternoon runner.  But lately I have been doing better in the morning.  He pointed out that by the time I hit the road yesterday, I had already been going 12 hours.  I was asking a lot of my body and my head at that hour.  I think I need to suck it up and start running before work - something I have never done before.  Next week will be a trial run.  Maybe not the smartest week to try it with Fresno that following Sunday, but I also know that I can't have another craptastic week of running like I did this week.

Thanks for listening to me as I sit on my pity pot and over think all that I am doing.  I need to let go and let myself do what it knows how to already do.   Big shout-out to all the peeps racing this weekend!  Including Tara, who is doing the NY Marathon!  And Amanda, the RedHead and B.o.B.  who all have a half's for Halloween! Sooo cool!  I will hopefully have my race recap from Saturday up sometime on Sunday.  I am doing nothing on Sunday!  I am hitting up Mass and then heading home for a NAP!  Have an awesome weekend peeps!
Happy Running!